We went from a rough and violent night, to a rough and violent morning. One of those mornings where the fumes from everything that happen before bed can be seen still smoldering behind his eyes when he rolls out of bed. We knew it was going to come but, and call me what you will for saying this, I had truly hoped it would wait until he got to school where they have multiple trained staff members and his psychiatry team there to deal with it. Let me be honest, last night had taken its toll and I woke up still emotionally and physically drained.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
But, regardless of what I was feeling the morning was still going to be here. I couldn’t hide from it, I couldn’t run from it, I couldn’t wish it away. I’m the superhuman, supermom. I have to stand tall with my fists on my hips and my chest pushed out, head held high and strong profile gazing upon the fear of all else. Right? Isn’t that the job I have been given by the Bug Guy in the sky? By giving me this beautiful boy did God not also tell me, you must hold it together at all times and take all that is thrown your family’s way in stride without faltering? Short answer, NO. Not in the least. He knows I am only human, despite my need to be the hero.
This morning my amazing superdad sidekick (sidekick with equal ability, strength, and witty punchlines), decided to take on the villainous violence that plagued our son. Despite things being tossed through the air at his head, he dodged each projectile with the graceful ease of a true superhero. Safe putting or ASD superhero in a soft hug of restraint to prevent his nemesis adrenaline from causing him later regrets. Until the moment our boy attempted to kick my head in a fit of rage, superdad blocked his efforts reminding him we love him in hopes that our love will be the magic potion to break him of the spell and, our boy punched him square in the face. Now, do not look at our boy as though it’s his fault, adrenaline and violence are clever villains who take hold of his mind and body, causing him to not know what he is doing. He has no control and that makes him that much more angry, because that is all our boy wants is complete control. Control of his environment, control of reaction, control of the people around him, and most of all control of himself. Without that control, he goes into a rage which of course is also out of his control, perpetuating the circle swirling inside of him.
Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
In this moment, I raised my voice and I yelled. My yell was directed at my boy though I know yelling will never help. I urged superdad to take a step away to seek a moment of peace and breath, and stepped between the two men in my life, to allow one to have refuge in calm. In that moment I showed my strength and my weakness, stepped into the path of danger and, yelled to somehow prove my power. In that moment I forgot who is ultimately in control of it all, God. Sitting here now, an hour after it all happen, I Stew in my guilt of yelling at our boy and, I look back wondering why I did not call on God. I know why I didn’t call on God, I let doubt fill my heart and mind. Doubt that He would be able to help us in that very moment when we needed the help. You see in past times the mere mention of God is like a charge of anger for our boy, so I feared the outcome of it again. Our boy thinks, in these moments, that God Hates him, and is not there for him. Our boy thinks everyone hates him in these moments where his nemeses overtake his emotions and actions. So, I let the doubt of God’s ability to cloud my faith in His love for us. But again, I am merely human. I make human mistakes, and stumble on human emotions.
Psalm 37:24 – Though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
God is a forgiving God. He casts away my worries and my fears, laying upon us the hands of righteousness to bring us all everlasting peace. If God Himself can forgive my short comings, can forgive our family for our falter away from our faith in Him, can we not forgive ourselves? Even if we are only forgiving ourselves merely because He is greater than us all.
I will never not be human. I will never not make mistakes. And, despite all my trying or the way others see me, I will never be a superhuman with unlimited store of strength, patience and, peace. Because I am not God. So today though I may take a while to forgive myself for yelling at our Superhero, I will allow myself the same thing I have told others to allow themselves to be, human.
1 Chronicles 29:11 – Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.
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